1993: A Space Odyssey
by Duderman
Summary: Cid's descent into insanity is described with atmospheric detail, as you witness the deconstruction of his mind, conscience and subconscience. He is struck by numerous seizures and panic attacks each of which follow a loud ringing in his ears...


I dont own Final Fantasy VII, Joy Division or 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Cid is unable to retain his sanity, as both his subconscience, and conscience are slowly deterierated into nothingness.

Reviews would be appreciated and responded to.

Enjoy.

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1993: A Space Odyssey

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**Ive been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand,**

_April 11, 199__3: Day of the launch. __**0 HOUR**_

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Finally.

389 seconds til' blast off and all I can think about is the number of colours people will shit themselves when they see me rocket up, up and away; towards that star spangelled veil we call space; the final frontier.

Finally.

The years of star-gazing, studying, training and preperation don't even begin to compare to the minutes spent here, in this chair. This anticipation is awakening an unknown sense of anxiety.

Finally.

I got the spirit, and damn I'm feeling up to it.

Let this Rocket 'Shinra 26' be my **guide** through my wildest dreams. Better **hold** onto **my****hand** nice and tight though…

I tapped my chair's button ridden arm rests nervously as I checked, double checked, re-checked and fucking triple checked all the settings, verifying the status with the team via intercom.

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**Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?  
These sensations barely interest me for another day,  
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Instead of fucking killing eachother like we should; humans decide to use tools of mass-mental destruction to make others feel unwanted or secluded

Exactly. Like pussies. But if you're the one being 'secluded', or feeling 'unwanted'… make no mistake; you're a fucking pussy too.

As a kid, I didn't feel any of these pussy-emotions; mainly because I was badass, but I didn't exactly feel like I was being taught amongst those who shared common-interests… so to speak.

Space Travel, that is all. I wanted to travel up, not down like everyone else; up.

I've never felt the unerving, overwhelming sense giddiness during a birthday party or christmas celebration like so many others in my age group. I just took their dickishness in stride, used their immaturity as an example; and made my way up through the ranks of academic achievement overall asshole.

**"Launch sequance ignition: 3 minutes to take-off"**

"Three… motherfucker that's a sweetass number."

Abscent-mindly mumbling to one's self is the ultimate sign of inexcusable weakness.

As I was saying: I might've missed out on a lot of good things as a kid (and a teenager for that matter), mainly because I never really felt that sensation of 'extreme happiness'.

I felt alienated at a young age, aware of all the flawes and inperfections life had to offer. I didn't even feel human in comparison with my class.

But… right now im questioning the extent of my non-human self… as I've just concluded that that feeling of happiness might very well come very soon… very soon.

Maybe its some sort of initiation.

I sense something worthy to make Cid junior 'jump' on the horizon.

**"Launch sequance ignition: 2 minutes to take-off"**

Oh yeah there it is… I think I just crapped myself… this sensation is making my feel as normal as I've ever been able to feel.

I cant wait… this fucking anticipation is making me feel less and less interestedin another day… kinda want to die… right the fuck now… (not before I take-off of course, silly statement).

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**Ive got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away.**

**Its getting faster, moving faster now, its getting out of hand,  
**

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Could really use some female ass right now…

**Launch sequance ignition: 1 minutes to take-off**

Fuck sex, this shit is better. Much better.

One minute seperating me from all that was real and fake to me on this rock, and that dark, star spangelled veil

Fifty-five seconds seperating me from all I never want to see again, and that dark, star spangelled veil.

'_Lauch commencing perfectly captain… we're finally doing it… we're finally sob'_

"If you're going to sob get the fuck off the intercom, Roy. Right the fuck now."

Thirty-one seconds seperating me from all that was mine; yet never truly mattered, and that dark, star spangelled veil.

'_Sensing a disturbance Cid… someone's still in th-'_

"Shut the fuck up, I'm turning off the com. Shitheads ruining my moment."

Nineteen seconds seperating me from dumbasses like them, and one of god's greatest creations; that dark, star spangelled veil.

"Life… here I come"

… _A sudden sensation of ultra-electric, uncontrolable spasming takes hold of the body… it perverts the mind and __shock__s the nerves and muscles __faster__ and __faster__ as feeling loses all meaning and depth as the sensation draws closer to an insane-speed:: head spiralling, no control; __out of hand_

I took a hold of myself once more… fucking anxiety getting to me… yeah… anxiety…

Come on… I've got all the **spirit** in the world… let me live… I want to feel… I want my **feeling** back.

The blast of was sudden, abrupt and stomach cherning as I realized it was time; time to launch. This sensation was not unwelcome; not at all.

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**On the tenth floor, down the back stairs, its a no mans land,  
Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now,  
**_April 11, 199__3: Day of the launch. __13 HOUR_

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I should've prepared a captain's log or some shit… too bad I'm too smart for that shit. You and I know perfectly well it would be drenched in cum by now. This is so fucking amazing.

I wept uncontrolably, no shame and no regret for showing weakness.

Weakness?

This was beauty, not weakness. It was fucking PRETTY shit.

I lept up, not hitting the ceiling while my boots left their footing on the ground; in between. Floating; in between. My life was floating in between the laws of physics, the two deciding factors of our limitations… I pity those who do not float, who cannot float.

"Take it easy Cid…" I said to myself in a rushed, unsure tone.

Need to keep enough sanity to go around for the next few months…

God… It's like cloud nine… nah… cloud TEN.

Cloud ten… I'm on the tenth-floor with no way out… no more anticipations… no more back stair exists… this is a no mans land…

All around me… the endless void of time and space… all creation; all around me…

_High-pitched buzzing__…_

_Transit-sounds of monotonic buzzing send waves across the mind; A shock travels through the vessel. The vessel's nerves spasm violently as autotory and visual __hallucinations cloud the senses; projecting false waves of sound, images and taste. Uncontrolable movements cloud the motor as faint_, frequentflashes_ block the mind; traffic lights, technicolour images; ultraviolet; car _crashing_… A vortex of light, all fusing into one body. A fault in the system; a broken circuit. _

Then the sensational blackout of the human mind during the embrace of anti-gravatic flotation; a slow drop.

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**Ive got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow.  
**_199__3: Week(s)? After the launch _379_HOUR_

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Running low on second-hand, hobo airplane food…

Nah just kidding.

Passed the moon a while back… messed with the ships direction for the first time as to avoid any possible magnetic or orbital tractoring.

Wasn't able to see it though; one of the most amazing visually-accesable phenomena for an Earthling had passed me by. I had willingly taken the role of 'pussy-hunter' and allowed one of my life's greatest moments pass me by.

Anyways… I would've been some cool shit.

The moon looks like a whole lot of the same up close as it does from your bedroom; dark grey, cavernous maws and canyons stretching endlessley over a wide area of… even MORE dark grey, cavernous maws with canyons stretchi- … blah.

I realized my knowledge ended up to that point… only so far a telescope is able to take you into the void. I missed a first hand glance of an almost entirely unknown object… a revolutionary observation…

Oh yeah; there were patches of black in there… and water.

Shaking off the reminders of the total mood-buster that was the moon, I decided to do my daily laps around the ship; swim style.

'_What? … Yeah, not daily.'_

'_I only just started doing them… and I WILL do them consistantly day by day from now on… so yeah, 'daily'.'_

GOD… I just want to EXPLODE into billions of little molecules… I got the FEELING... I need to let IT OUT.

…

No time for reaction.

A crash

_Turbulence…_

All was spinning; all was white; all was the colour of my prison-box, pristine and perfectly clear… colours melting into one… spinning… spinning… spinning… spinning…

_High-pitched buzzing…_

_Blots of transpigmental color blurr the mind…_

_Once again; a sensation of unknown shock and panic take utter control over the vessel; sending electro-magnectic sound waves through its inner-being; coroding it's innerworkings; malfunctuating the mind and 'train of thought'. Weeping; an inability… sadness; an inevitability. The inability to express emotion; but confronted with the very same feeling within the vessel…_

"Need to let it out somehow…"

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**What means to you, what means to me, and we will meet again,  
Im watching you, Im watching her, Ill take no pity from you friends,  
**_199__3: Year(s)? After the launch _18,127,002_HOUR_

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Light and color meander meaninglessly across the gloomy range of my distorted vision…

Blurred…

Focused…

…blurred…

I heard the sounds of mako-powered machinery pumping, beating, clanking…

The engine had exceeded its default velocital capacities months before; generating an atmosphere of unrealness… As though a head-rush was utterly overdue in ending; complete loss of control… malfunctioning makes up over 75 of all bodily functions.

I float across the ship dazed and fevered, lazily making contact with each corner of the spacecraft multiple times over the course of god knows how long.

_God_

I wonder if god exists this far out… wonder if he would ever leave his realm; if he even did exist…

Looking out towards the mass of nothingness, my eyes travelling over the disturbingly monotonous void, I realized that where I find myself may very well not exist at all. Maybe the key is a state of mind; one's own beli-

_High_ER _pitched buzzing…_

_A sudden inability to breath, see or scream launches the vessel into a fit of throbbing spasms; bulging veins. Malfunctioning nerves and misdirected circuits descend the mind into a mass of visual missinterpretation. Pale, white walls will become blank canvases; left unpainted and untouched for centuries… just as yourself. You come to the realization that the lack of depth, meaning and 'point' in life is oddly shallow and vein. _

_Color coordinated rows of buttons and levers morph into the shapes of __things left forgotten; meaningful molecular masses; with just as much worth as any other object; roses, grass, water, sea, ocean, earth, trees, birdnests and morals are left to decay before your eyes as you hang limpy in the air; eyes bulging; pupils magnifying; veins bulging; fists tightening; mouth watering. _

_All control has been swepped from the vessel as the hands of fate cut the mannequin's last string; converting all movement in passive ones; disregarding the mind, and the beauty of the soul. _

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**Who is right, who can tell, and who gives a damn right now,  
**_2231+: Decades (20?) After the launch __2_180,127,002,002_HOUR_

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My wrinkeled, age ridden face is positioned on a pillow; momentarily disconnected from the body as the spacecraft continues to bullet on through the packs and jams that is the nothingness of space.

My aching, bloodshot, dialated pupils pierce the outsides; hoping, praying for any sign of something new; something that wasn't nothing.

I witness the birth, death and rebirth of hundreds of thousands of solar-systems. Planets meet their end as supernovas sweep them from existence, the energy of which only to be consumed itself by the gaping, bottomless stomach that is a black hole. All which are only to be reborn as time, a lot of time, passes by. Clouds of gas and smog meet a concentration of heat and rock; forming a new foundation for the continuation of the expandation of various races; born with good intentions, but will eventually give birth to a pack of idiotic, IQ-lacking ignorants, which will eventually come across the end of their planet and embrace it like a brother. This renews the process.

_How are we so different? _

_We arent…_

We're the same; completely ignorant, unaware and blatantly foolish in the presence of a process, a creator, a mother, so full of possibility and meaning...

But at least these flaws are proof of our existence.

_But do you exist? _

"Do I…?" rasped an old man.

_Fake…_

_Time… Space… _

_Reality…_

_Comprehension…_

Who is right… who is mistaken… which way is right… which way is wrong…

I don't give a damn right now…

I want my ignorance back… I want my sanity; my innoncence.

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**Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,  
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,  
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,  
**_346,134,346,934,346,631__122_180,127,002,002 x 123,124,437,865 _DYNE-HOUR_

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The multi-layer insulation of my spacecraft begins to cave. Alloy; not fit to last 0.0000001 microseconds in this desolate portion of the galaxy will finally deteriorate into nothingness, as I will.

Gigahertz of transitional, monotone, radio-like transmissions of booming sound shakes the very foundation of my existence.

_I've got the spirit… damn im feeling up to it._

The bundle of unassimilated molecules that once made up my being had long since been deteriorated into nothing; to become one with the rest of us non-existent entities.

At least the buzzing was gone.

Earth… it was gone too. I had seen a large terran-entity destined to become its destruction pass by a long, long time ago.

Long ago…

_Not__ until__ my very __spirit__takes hold… __and is obliterated into nothingness…will I allow the deconstruction of my being to continue._

_I will be the death of my own molecular vessel. It was mine to ride for so many millennia, after all. _

The slow, willing process of annihilation of one's self brings forth a deeper meaning to the word…

_Seizure_

_Though the vessel is no longer in existence; and the corrosive-insanity no longer has a current to travel through… the mental state of the vessel may still be manipulated._

_You're bodiless, meaningless and irrelevant as nothing but a feeble state of awareness remains. Debris of what was once the vessel's own vessel float past; each individual piece is deconstructed. Your 'sight' is plummeted into a vortex of memories and recollections, as the life you no longer posses flashes by you in the form of many billions of images. You feel as though you are reliving your life many times over; each time becoming increasingly boring and unusually detached. _

_The vortex stops. _

_The images vanish._

_The 'sight' is stripped…_

…_And the awareness is stolen._

_This __new__, unknown __sensation__…_

_I will know_

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**Ive got the spirit, but lose the feeling,  
Ive got the spirit, but lose the feeling,  
Feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling**

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_Forever the mind will sleep; in the endless void that is this realm, until said molecules are 're-used' so to speak. They were re-used, multiple times; each time creating new life, a new person. Each met his or her end as the use of said molecules became increasing exhausted. On its many billionth recreation, the molecules formed the life of a man. A man named Cid… who's life had been exactly as it had been, many billions of recreations before… up until this point._

…

"If you're going to sob get the fuck off the intercom, Roy. Right the fuck now."

Thirty-one seconds seperating me from all that was mine; yet never truly mattered, and that dark, star spangelled veil.

'_Sensing a disturbance Cid… someone's still in the ship. It's Shera.'_

"Motherfucker… my… my dream…"

The launch never took place; and our filthy-mouthed hero only ventured into the great beyond once in this particular, and very final, recreation of said molecules. This venture was brief, but not one he would soon forget.

Space was pretty; but that was all it really was.

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Thanks for reading.


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